Losing Myself

Time to change my life again. I’ve made big plans. I’ve psyched myself up. I’ve got the desire, the drive, the determination. Will it stick this time? I suppose only time will tell. The journey, this time, the quest, if you will, is a new, healthy me. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of myself - there’s way more than enough of me to go around, and it’s harder every day to accomplish even the most simplistic of every-day tasks. When walking the dog hurts - you know it’s time to make a change. So… I’m going to lose myself.

I’m going to lose myself… so I can find myself.

Confused? All will soon become clear.

This is me. Kinda cute, huh? This was 21 years ago. I look happy, don’t I? I was! Also - somewhat attractive, outgoing, active and brimming over with a zest for life. Perhaps I overstate a little, but if you knew the miserable lump of a person that was yet to come - you might change your tune.

This is me now, 21 years later. Just tonight, in fact. Kinda let myself go, didn’t I? There’s a ton of baggage that led to this new me, but I really don’t feel like going there right now. Today’s blog is actually decidedly more positive than that! Perhaps at some later date we’ll get into the psychological quagmire that feeds my inner demons - but not tonight. Tonight is for rebirth and renewal. Tonight I begin to lose myself.

In this corner, weighing in at 300 pounds, we have our challenger. Yep. Me. And in that corner - fat clothes, heart disease, hypertension and adult onset Diabetes. The only one of these that I currently lay claim to are the fat clothes - but the others are only just around the corner if things don’t change soon. At 36, my body is entirely too old for my chronology. I don’t like hurting. I don’t like feeling unattractive and ashamed of myself. I don’t like not being able to live life. My 20 year-old daughter will be graduating from college within the next 2-3 years. I promised her a trip to Europe when that happened. I intend for there to be half as much of me to have to drag along. Imagine how much lighter my luggage will be!

This past weekend, the cupboards were inventoried and a menu was constructed. I’m actually going to be following one of the many variations of the Weight Watchers eating plans that I’ve learned throughout my various aborted previous attempts. I have actually lost weight on this plan before. It wasn’t much, and it was replaced nearly as quickly as I lost it, but it was working - when I worked it.

I’ll be updating this a bit more regularly. The idea is to pop on here before bed each night to record my progress. I’ll be talking about the food I eat, the exercise I get in, and the pounds I shed. I’ll include weekly weigh-ins, and a monthly shot like the one above.
So… without further ado - I begin.

Days 1 and 2
I didn’t get this up yesterday, because I still had not taken the photo or my measurements. I did start everything yesterday, however, so this installment will include my report for both days.

Monday- June 30.
I did not eat breakfast. I kinda flew out the door on my way to work - sucked down a cup of coffee before I hit the street, but that’s about it. Way to start the new me! (can you smell the sarcasm here?) No matter. The remainder of the day went, if not perfect at least better than days previous.

Throughout the course of the day I consumed the following:
2 cups of coffee - both with creamer and sugar
1 container fat free yogurt. (peaches - yum!)
1 cup/baggie of baby carrots.
1 cup tuna salad on greens with 1 tbsp of fat free ranch dressing, 6 garlic Wheat Thins.
1 banana.
Approximately 40 ounces of water.
And - the piece de’ resistance - a most fabulous dinner!
Grilled chicken with KC Masterpiece Barbeque sauce, baked potato with a tsp of margarine, salt and pepper to taste, and a whole heap o’ steamed veggies! See the picture? Don’t it look yummy?

I suspect I ate a little more chicken than I should have - but I figured it could make up from the breakfast I had neglected, so all-in-all my day balanced out pretty well. With all that food - I still managed to come in under my daily points, however, so I knew I’d have to do better.

I took the dog for an extended evening walk. Instead of a quick hop downstairs and back up after she’d taken care of things - I strapped on my sneakers and hauled her along for a 20 minute walk. I actually broke a sweat!! Crazy, huh?! Wow - I sure felt good afterward. Tired - but good!

Tuesday- July 1, 2008
Today was a very good day. I actually got my butt in gear in time to make some breakfast. A bowl of instant oatmeal. Yum! I’m so unused to eating breakfast, that it was a bit difficult for me. I was unable to finish the entire bowl. I’d say I managed a little over half. So - that and my cup of coffee started my day. I missed mid-morning snack, and I was surprisingly hungry for it when the time came around! There is some truth to what they’re saying about getting your metabolism going in the morning by starting out with breakfast! I never used to get hungry until around about 12. That was because my metabolism was so sluggish - that my body wasn’t burning any of my calories, it was just holding onto them for dear life! Now - it’s getting fueled properly, and it’s turned on the engines again. Very cool!

Lunch consisted of a turkey wrap (3 oz of turkey on a 7” tortilla with fat free ranch dressing, 1 oz cheese and mixed salad greens. A glass of skim milk and a small nectarine rounded out the meal - and I was quite satisfied! My afternoon snack was a banana, and my dinner was - Tuna Surprise!

This is one of our favorite dishes. It’s simple to make, and was one of the first things Sam ever really put together for us on her own as she was learning to cook. Simply split and toast 2 whole-grain English muffins. Top each muffin half with ¼ can of drained tuna (packed in water). Top with thin slices of your favorite cheese (ours is a medium cheddar), then place on a baking sheet under the broiler pan until the cheese melts. Serve with steamed veggies or a tossed salad and a glass of milk. It hit’s the spot every time!

After dinner was when the real fun of the day started. I’m especially proud of us, actually. After driving to our friends’ house to take care of their animals while they are away on vacation, we returned home, donned our workout gear, and proceeded to sweat along with the Biggest Losers as Bob (the trainer) ran us through our paces. This was all on DVD, but still - we broke a sweat. (Sam said she was only glistening. I broke a sweat!) The warm up, workout and cool down/stretch were approximately 40 minutes total. I managed it through the warm up, about 25 minutes through the workout, and most of the cool-down. I’m proud to report Sam managed to make it through it all. We both were whining at Bob by the time the workout was over, but he didn’t seem to mind too much.

Our reward was desert. ½ cup of ice-cream and 3 cups of light microwave popcorn. Believe it or not, that was my points allotment for the day!

Now that I’ve caught everything up, I’m going to hit the rack. I’m tired, and I would like to make sure I have plenty of time in the morning to manage everything without being in a panicked rush.

I’ll update tomorrow before bed. Nite all! Pleasant dreams!
__________________________________________________________
“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”
Dead Poets Society. Touchstone, 1989

School Daze

Success! We (meaning I) have successfully registered for school for the second semester. And... I've managed to work a schedule that actually gets me into 3 classes - but only 3 nights a week! Classes include... Math 103 - Intermediate Algebra (again, I ask you... what exactly is the point of this class). Next... we have Mass Media and Society, and, finally, Intro to Physical Anthropology. Sounds fun, eh?! I think so! Been fascinated by archaeology and anthropology for a while now, and imagine my surprise when I found I could use this for one of my GE classes! So... pretty cool, huh?! Classes will be pretty much from 5-9 on Tue/Wed/Thur - but that's doable. Gives me plenty of time to get my homework done - if I APPLY myself! Can't do the whole Scarlett O'Hara thing we were talking about a few weeks ago. With any luck there won't be quite as many papers due. One good research paper for Anthro, probably. Maybe two. Not sure what to expect w/Mass Media. I'll probably have to do some critiquing there. Analyzing of media in society, etc. Might have to do some kind of report on the history of... mass media? I dunno. Can't kid myself that it will be all lecture & tests. I'm sure there will be homework - so, just have to prepare myself for that now.

Well... tomorrow I'll head for the book store, to pick up necessities. Keep your fingers crossed that we don't end up with astronomical fees!

In typical fashion, I'll be going into things a day late and a dollar short. I put off things 'til the last minute. Then, in a fit of - I don't know... call it depression, the blues, pre-school angst... whatever - I allowed the first week of classes to pass me by. So, I'll be starting things a week behind everyone. Fortunately - that only means 1 class period for two of the classes. Two for the Math class - but I think that's going to be my easiest to catch up in. Kind of worried about the others, but I'll figure it out. As long as there wasn't any major homework assignment in the first week - then I should be okay. Guess we'll all find out on Wednesday & Thursday, huh?

This is a bit short & sweet, but necessarily so. I need to hit the sack - got loads to do tomorrow. I'll attempt to update a bit sooner next time. Summer's over so there's actually stuff happening more - regular-like, now. And, I think I'm out of my funk - so that's helpful.

Anyhoo, wish me luck! More later...

"I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time." - Broadcast News, 1987

Huzzah!

Just a quick post before I hit the sack...

Seeing as my earlier post got derailed and ended up in the weird "inner contemplation" zone, I never got around to posting about the good stuff!

The magazine is finished! Printed. Shipped. Currently in peoples hands, and being read! YAAAAYYY! We've had some wonderful comments - good and bad. Hopefully we'll be able to address everyone and continue to build a product that people will come to love. They'll wait each month with baited breath, on the edge of their seats, ears straining for the sound of the mail truck bringing their latest installment of Today's Vintage Magazine! They'll devour every page, eager to put into practice the ideas between it's covers, voraciously eating up every detail. Yeah. That would be cool.

Sandy, the coolest boss ever, surprised us all with congratulatory baloons, bottles of sparkling cider and these absolutely gorgeous arrangements! We all worked very hard, but none harder than her! Thank you, Sandy. For keeping us all on track, and at least semi-sane, during the craziness that has been the last few weeks/months. I feel every confidence with you at the helm that our project will soar!

Now go - all of you! Check out the magazine at http://www.todaysvintage.com/ Pick up a copy at the local antique store of your choice. Write in for a subscription! Share the wonder with your friends! Read. Respond. Let us know what works - and what should be revised. We're eagerly awaiting your reply!

Affirmations?

Is it possible to have a split personality - yet be perfectly aware at all times?

Sometimes I feel absolutely certain that some unknown entity - some inner, darker part of myself - has taken over the reins and has complete control over all higher brain power and motor functions. This little demon does all the things that, as a logical, educated, intelligent, conscientious individual, I would never consider in a million-trillion years! This is the little beasty who convinces the rest of us in here that its okay to just put it off... deal with everything tomorrow. This ... entity... is sneaky and conniving and determined to see me fail! Of this I am absolutely certain! But... AHA - I'm onto the game, now! I see what it's trying to do -I'm wise to its wicked ways, and I'll have no part in the whole nefarious scheme! Off with you, foul beast! Your magic has no power here - be gone - at once! (you see... you have to confront them. Show them you're unafraid, and suddenly their power is no more).

All jesting aside... I do find the nasty beast called Procrastination dogging my heels. Has been for years, actually. I've been a member of the Scarlett O'Hara Appreciation Society since before I can remember. Our credo - our motto, if you will - "I'll think about it tomorrow." As I've grown older, and wiser, however, I'm beginning to realize the danger of adopting such an attitude. Did you know that tomorrow never really comes? It's "always a day away." And - as somone near and dear so recently pointed out - "today is the tomorrow you dreamed about yesterday!" Deep, huh?! So, if I spend all of my todays dreaming about tomorrow, then my yesterdays will be full of "could haves" and "should haves". And, as we all know, lamenting over lost yesterdays is equally as productive as waiting for never-attained tomorrows. So the lesson here, kiddies: Don't put off 'til tomorrow what should have been done yesterday.

That being said - let me just point out not to let go of dreams for tomorrow - for they will be what sustain you today. Just don't live for tomorrow... live today. Make each moment count. Wise advice if I ever heard it. Problem is... I've heard it. Many times. Over and over I've reminded myself of this. Over and over I've ignored the good advice. Don't get me wrong! I've accomplished things. Not all of my days were full of tears of yesterday and wishes for tomorrow. But, too few can be counted in the "living for today" category. Too many times have I told myself "I'll think about it tomorrow."

So here is the big question... How do I flip that ratio? It is simple to say "just do it", but not so easy to put the idea into practice. I suppose the only thing for it is just to jump in and, literally, just do it! Don't sit on the fence, hemming and hawing over the what ifs and how should I questions. Don't over plan and organize. There comes a moment when you have to put the plan into action and trust that you've laid the proper groundwork. And... if things don't go exactly as planned, well, then readjust. Be flexible. Life is not absolute, and if you live it thinking everything must go precisely to plan, then it will become a series of dissappointments. Discouragement will dog your heels to the point of causing a cessation of all forward momentum, and you'll find yourself back on your couch, chips in one hand, ice cream in the other, remote balanced on your overextended belly and your regrets piled around you, dragging you into the depths of despair. Not a pretty picture, is it?! NO - it's not! So... I just don't think I want to go there. Yes, tomorrow is another day. But, today has yet to end, and there's no time like the present, right?

Now, you may not have found yourself in need of such a pep-talk, but as you've willingly joined me on this ride, I'll just have to assume you'll allow me this little eccentricity. You see... it helps. Call it an affirmation, if you wish. "I'm good enough. I'm strong enough. And, gosh darn it, people like me!" The thing I have to keep in mind always is... I CAN do it! Doesn't always feel that way, and in recent days I've felt a bit of the despair trying to creep back in. But, you see, that's what these little pep-talks are for! To bolster and reassure. They offer a certain strength - a crutch to lean on until such a time as I'm able to walk once again on my own. Trust me. It helps.

Funny, but I had no intention of going down this little road when I contemplated what to write tonight. But, here you find me just the same. I've decided to post, rather than delete and start over with something of more ... dunno - substance, entertainment, whatever. Here now is a little peek inside my head - exposed for the masses (or the dozen of you who are reading). My dreams are still intact, but rather than waiting for the perfect opportunity, I've decided to go forth and make my own opportunites. I'm sure there will be bumps along the way. Obstacles to overcome. But if I keep this advice in mind, and the clear confidence that I AM capable of reaching my goals, then I should be able to negotiate the dips and detours and get back on the path once again. Sounds like a plan, if I ever heard one!

Now... go forth one and all! Be well, and happy, and fruitful in your endeavors!

Brain Dead

I'm having a bit of the "What the heck should I write about tonight" thoughts... but feeling like I should write something... anything!

It's been absolutely crazy at work these past few weeks. The new magazine is finally ready to go to print, and we will see it off the presses tomorrow. It's exhilarating and scary all at the same time. We've been working so hard, that I'm not sure any of us have any functioning grey matter left - but the magazine looks pretty good, so I guess it was all to a good cause.

The only thing I've wanted to do this past week is hole up in my room with a good air conditioner, a box of Kleenex and some industrial strength NyQuil! Yah... had the dreaded cold. I'm fighting back from it now, though. Just a persistent tickle in my nose that makes me feel on the constant verge of sneezing. Otherwise the general loopy, detached feeling has gone, so I can't complain too much. It was fun trying to remain coherent at work - what with the general loss of brain cells to begin with, add to that my decreased mental state due to the cold - or sinus infection or whatever the heck it was - I was pretty dopey. I managed to get through it though, and only succumbed to the need for cold medicine twice - so it clearly couldn't have been that bad. (Though I felt like it at the time). Now if my dumb nose would just quit with the tickling, already!

And, can we talk for a minute about this heat?! Sheesh! At 2 in the morning I still find myself tossing & turning, unable to find a comfortable position largely due to the fact that it's so dad-gummed hot! Humid as heck... UUUURRRRGGGHHHH! I hate being sticky!

Guess it was whiner nite on my laptop and I didn't realize it before I started this entry. Sorry 'bout that. Well - who can a person complain to if not the scores of admirers on the Internet? I mean, really!

Not much else to report on at the moment - so I'll sign off early for now. Perhaps something inspiring will come to me in my sleep. At the very least I can hope for the return of my lost brain. You didn't happen to see it around, did you? Well... if you happen to stumble across it, could you please just point it toward home. It's been missed this week, and I don't relish the idea of getting through another without it again.

What Day Is It?...

Oh my, oh my, how time doth fly! Has it been a week already?! Well... Welcome! Come on in and sit a spell! Can I get you some tea?

Funny, isn't it, how life just barrels along while you're living it? My clock has sprouted wings and seems to be picking up a jet stream as it gathers steam... might break the sound barrier before too long!

Things are going swimmingly here... sorta.

Work is... work (as work tends to be). We are launching a new magazine to be out at the beginning of August, and I gotta tell ya - the angst a project like this creates - well, it ain't purdy! We are scrambling each day to contact as many advertisers as possible so we'll be able to claim some kind of substance to this first issue - and I never thought it would take this long to get in touch with everyone. Of course, after having been away from the industry for 6 months on my "forced hiatus" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), it's been somewhat like a big reunion or homecoming. Most of my clients, whom I had lost touch with when the company rather abruptly closed the San Diego office, have been absolutely thrilled to hear from me again (perhaps "thrilled" is a bit strong, but I'm gonna stick with it). This, of course, has led to multiple conversations wherin the state of affairs in our respective lives have been gleaned over and picked apart in turn. I never really realized what an impact I made on so many people's lives until this project started and I had the chance to catch up with so many of my previous clients. They have, by and large, expressed nothing but joy at hearing from me once again, and heart-felt congratulations and best wishes for the new magazine venture. It is truly humbling to be on the receiving end of so many people's well-wishes and praise. Many of the clients have stated they are joining this new magazine simply for the fact that Sandy and I are the ones who are involved. The state of the antiques industry is not exactly booming right now, and we've bemoaned that fact for quite some time now. Customers who may have otherwise turned down a new advertising venture, have tossed their hats into the ring along with us - just because it's us! Talk about a heady feeling! Wow! I only hope we're able to do justice to their compliments and praise.

The new magazine, Today's Vintage, actually has quite a bit of potential - it's not your average trade-tabloid. We're building a magazine that will meld antiques, collectibles, art and decorating into a reader-friendly composite that will not only deliver to the antiques and collectibles industry, but encourage people to use items from our past in everyday life today. It is the ultimate in recycling - and we intend to bring it to the attention of the masses. A bit of a lofty goal, perhaps, but we can't afford to go into this with anything less than absolute conviction. And I feel very strongly that this magazine will facilitate the beginnings of a new generation of people dedicated to preserving our past and our planet... And hopefully we can all have some fun while we're at it!

School is looming, but my registration date isn't until next week - so I'll have to wait 'til then to see what classes to take. I'm pretty sure one will be math... because I can't let a semester go by just so I can forget everything I learned last semester! I would end up in beginning algebra for the rest of my college career! Then I'll have to see what else catches my fancy. Not going to do more than 2 classes this term, I think. Just because I need to be able to think - and if I'm trying to do too much at once then I might end up with grey matter leaking from my ears... and I just can't afford to lose any more of it!

Samantha has been pounding the pavement searching for work. She's just finished a week-long class with the EDD - learning about resume's and interview techinques, job hunting skills, etc. I think it's helped her gain some confidence as she goes looking for her first job - ever! Keep your fingers crossed that she finds something soon (otherwise we're going to need loaner books for this next term... need a second mortgage on the home to cover the textbooks alone)!

I'll write more on my History/Bio - whatever you'd like to call it - later. For now I just wanted to drop by with a quick update. Work is going gang-busters, so I have to make sure to get a good night's sleep. I'll update again ASAP.

Take care all & I'll see you 'round the water cooler!

Work History

I must say that I'm not feeling entirely full of wit and/or wisdom today. Life is lumbering along, as it tends to do, and at moments like these I feel I'm just rolling along with the current - no real direction, just going where the waves take me...

Things have been - interesting, I suppose. I'm sure it would all seem quite mundane to many people out there, but when life's happening to you - it can seem more interesting, ya know? Now, dependent on how close you happen to be to my inner circle, that will determine your level of interest, I'm sure. Still... I'm here to spell out all the gory details, no matter how mundane or banal.

It's been pretty much all about work these past few weeks. Work for me. Work for Sam. Housework, schoolwork, footwork, paperwork... yah. Work. Great. Is this what life has boiled down to? In my household, at the moment, yes.

I never would have thought that my life's work thrust me into the realm of sales - but that's exactly what it has done. In the early years, I simply wanted a job. Needed a job. Any job. Something that would provide the sustenance and shelter that my daughter and I required. I did not expect to find a career, let alone one that I loved...

When Sam was five I had to get a job. The state had been helping out with housing and food, but they have a limit - when your kid is 5, she's old enough to be sent to day care and it's time for you to get out there and help earn her keep. So, I went through the classes - how to find a job, how to write a resume', how to fill out an application, how not to sound like a dork in the interview - you know the drill. I learned quite a bit, actually, and through the course of the class I found my first "real" job.

I became a telemarketer for the San Diego Symphony in 1994. I spent my time in a big room up above the concert hall, with 30 other individuals, a telephone strapped to my head and a list of names in front of me. I spent a good two hours each day commuting from East County to downtown- first by public conveyance and then later through carpool, but I showed up each day and did my best to find new subscribers to first the Summer Pops and then the new fall line up. I have to admit, I did better than I'd ever expected. I became one of the top sales-persons of the department, and I was one of the trusted few who were often loaned out to other departments. It was a constant drudge of phone dialing. Each morning we would receive our lists. The company purchased lists based on household income, and these were the people my department were instructed to call. To survive, you really had to develop a thick skin - become like a seal and just let the hostile and negative comments slide right off your back - otherwise you would end up blubbering in the bathroom and/or screaming down the middle of Seventh Street as you ran terrified from the building. (People aren't always the nicest to telemarketers, dontcha know)? It was a long, agonizing year. Andree and I found ourselves counting off the minutes each day. Our conversations often sounded... well... like this... "Hello Mrs. Smith, This is Linda with the San Diego Symphony.... Oh. Oh. Okay. Well, thank you. (click) Only 134 minutes to go" And so on down the line - the day would drag like you wouldn't believe!!

In spite of my complaining, the telemarketing department did a pretty good job for the Symphony. In my almost-year working for the company, I brought in over $120,000 in revenue. True, I was one of the top sales-persons, but still... the department was doing good. I suppose that's why they decided to change the way they were doing things. Can't just leave a good thing alone, I guess. In any case, the day they decided to change our pay structure - and change the rules so that I would now have to work twice as hard to make half the money - I decided it was time to go searching for another job.

I called up my old buddies at the EDD, said "I need help", and found a very nice gentleman who helped me to get my resume' put together. He even said he had "the perfect position" for me. He called and set up an interview time for me with the prospective employer, and I was off...

I first interviewed with Sandy in April or May of 1995. We seemed to hit it off right away, and I found my nervousness of the situation melting rapidly the more I spoke with her. The job was perfect for me... It was advertising sales - telephone sales (nothing new for me there) - but the icing on the cake was that it was for a newsmagazine! I could be an advertising sales person, while I learned the business and then eventually turned my talents to writing! Not to mention the fact that it was a simple 5 minutes from my apartment!!! I could walk if my car ever conked out. It was on pins and needles and with ants in my pants that I anxiously awaited the results of my interview. I believe I must have called Sandy back every other day to ask her if she had made a decision yet. I was nervous to be "bothering" her so much, but turns out, that can be a good thing! Shows the prospective employer that you are eager to work for them. Finally, after what seemed an insufferably long time, I received the call...

I had interviewed for a part-time post. I figured the lack of commute alone would make up for the change from 30 to 20 hours a week. I was resigned to perhaps making a little bit less money if, in the end, I didn't have to spend so much of it just getting to work each day. Imagine my complete shock then, when Sandy called me and said "How does full time plus benefits and paid holidays sound to you?" How does that sound?? How does that sound!?! Like manna from heaven! I immediately said yes, and then began the agonizing wait for my two-week notice to expire.

I said good-bye to the Symphony a mere ten days from my one-year anniversary (the longest I had ever kept a job to that date). They actually threw a party for me - cake, cards and well-wishes from everyone. And yes, there were a few tears.

When I showed up on the first day at the new job, I had no idea what to expect. I knew I was going to be working in sales, but how I would go about it, and to what end, I was clueless - and more than a little nervous. On June 5, 1995, I began what would turn out to be one of the greatest adventures of my life!

What happened next??? Well, I'm afraid that's a post for another day. Tune in to find out! Trust me! It's just as thrilling as what you've read so far - if not more so!!! Until then...